Monday, May 11, 2015

Toads Ain't Got Thumbs

What an asshole!
Remember that one time when I said I wasn't going to post blog-y stuff here anymore? Well, here we are... That awkward scene where Peter Gabriel plays in the background, I hold that boom box high over my head, and I hope that you'll still be there for me, even after all I've done and all I've said. I did post one thing on Medium. It was a dumb post about being a hypochondriac. Not stellar. The Medium idea was a sincere attempt at feeling more purposeful. Not a bad idea really, but I have enough to do without adding boutique blogging to the list. Can I get a whut-whut? Can I get a butt-butt?

Remember that one time (you don't because I didn't tell you) I agreed to do this one thing for this one place, and then I wanted to kill myself? Let's just make this into this story about forest creatures...

So the Forest Fairy Queen asked the toad to come show the court his fly catching skills and the toad was stoked and said yes and came up with ways that he thought would make fly catching this cool thing that people would really be into. Then the toad found out that the month before his fly catching demo the Forest Fairy Queen invited the lovely blue heron who wasn't actually blue because she was actually made out of actual gold to come show the court her amazing skills at creating public art and the court lost their shit and the butterflies made a garland of rare roses to drape around her to demonstrate how amazing she is. Then the butterflies burst into flames. I'm not sure why. I think because they JUST COULDN'T EVEN. The heron is just that awesome!

So that's where I'm at. The toad's fictional scenario is happening in June. And the toad applied for another ridiculous thing that he thought would be awesome that's also happening in June. He hasn't heard back from those guys. That one is not looking good for the shitty toad.

You know, we used to have these two little toads one summer when the kids were younger that we found and kept in a bucket with some rocks and greenery and shit. Small little guys. We bought them crickets from the pet store. We put a dozen in there at a time. Within seconds the crickets were devoured. We bought a shitload of crickets. They just kept eating as many as we put in there. Dozens of crickets. Probably cost about twenty bucks to feed these gross things before we let them go.

Toads are dicks and also needy. And whose mediocrity is consuming them from within.

Little disclaimer: Make no mistake, the toad is totally in love with the Forest Fairy Queen and the (golden) blue heron and thinks they are wonderful. The toad has some serious self-esteem issues and often feels more toady when he ventures out of the swamp and into the kingdom where there's so much talent everywhere.


  1. Whaaaat!? Yay you're here. I have to admit I rarely check Wordpress unless I subscribed by mail, so I'm glad you posted here.
    And whaaaat? Did the gold heron by way of the stupid goo-goo-eyed court, sashay away the toad's scene? I am going to kick her ass!

    1. Yay! Carol!!! While I will indeed keep your ass-kicking services on file for a future use, this one is totally on the toad for being such a pissy baby. All others are just there being themselves which happens to always be amazing. LOVE YOU!

    2. See how I leapfrogged to conclusions!? I thought that the court pushed away the toad's amazing performance for a shiny glittery new thing