Thursday, May 28, 2015

Finding Yourself in Your Poison

Sometimes feeling like you're "home" is finding that warm blanket with the fur that's like a stuffed animal's fur and the comfy slippers that you wouldn't even risk wearing to the dumpster out back. Sometimes those things are shaped like a glass with maybe some ice cubes and some special sauce up in there. Now if you know me, you would know that my special sauce up until a few years ago was Pabst Blue Ribbon. It was about as comfortable a drink as a girl could get. I knew the exact amount that needed to be consumed most evenings to make my face relax from a crazy day at work. Today, as I grow to ripeness and my body's metabolism seeks other opportunities I am forced to consider a low carb alternative to my routine. Vooodka! Diet soda mixers and calorie-free sports drinks seemed the logical way to go for dilution. I choked that stuff down, and it did the trick, but it left me feeling like a high school prom date and not like the sophisticated lady that I sometimes pretend that I am. Then one day a co-worker told me HIS special sauce; vodka and soda water with a bit of lime. Maybe I subconsciously knew this was a thing, but it never occurred to me that it could be MY thing. "Too simple!" my mind told me. I pushed back that thought and purchased the ingredients and made myself a drink using my OCD measuring method that comes from liking my face to feel loose in the evenings and having a day job. I immediately discovered that this drink was perfect. Refreshing and tasty. And it fights scurvy!

Maybe you're in your 40's. Maybe everyday beer drinking is making you look bumpier. I invite you to join me in this next chapter of relaxation.

Here's my poison:

A Dixie cup of vodka (two shots)
The juice of 1/2 of a lime
Soda water

Pour these ingredients into a tall glass over three ice cubes. Repeat if needed. Put your feet up. You're home.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Toads Ain't Got Thumbs

What an asshole!
Remember that one time when I said I wasn't going to post blog-y stuff here anymore? Well, here we are... That awkward scene where Peter Gabriel plays in the background, I hold that boom box high over my head, and I hope that you'll still be there for me, even after all I've done and all I've said. I did post one thing on Medium. It was a dumb post about being a hypochondriac. Not stellar. The Medium idea was a sincere attempt at feeling more purposeful. Not a bad idea really, but I have enough to do without adding boutique blogging to the list. Can I get a whut-whut? Can I get a butt-butt?

Remember that one time (you don't because I didn't tell you) I agreed to do this one thing for this one place, and then I wanted to kill myself? Let's just make this into this story about forest creatures...

So the Forest Fairy Queen asked the toad to come show the court his fly catching skills and the toad was stoked and said yes and came up with ways that he thought would make fly catching this cool thing that people would really be into. Then the toad found out that the month before his fly catching demo the Forest Fairy Queen invited the lovely blue heron who wasn't actually blue because she was actually made out of actual gold to come show the court her amazing skills at creating public art and the court lost their shit and the butterflies made a garland of rare roses to drape around her to demonstrate how amazing she is. Then the butterflies burst into flames. I'm not sure why. I think because they JUST COULDN'T EVEN. The heron is just that awesome!

So that's where I'm at. The toad's fictional scenario is happening in June. And the toad applied for another ridiculous thing that he thought would be awesome that's also happening in June. He hasn't heard back from those guys. That one is not looking good for the shitty toad.

You know, we used to have these two little toads one summer when the kids were younger that we found and kept in a bucket with some rocks and greenery and shit. Small little guys. We bought them crickets from the pet store. We put a dozen in there at a time. Within seconds the crickets were devoured. We bought a shitload of crickets. They just kept eating as many as we put in there. Dozens of crickets. Probably cost about twenty bucks to feed these gross things before we let them go.

Toads are dicks and also needy. And whose mediocrity is consuming them from within.

Little disclaimer: Make no mistake, the toad is totally in love with the Forest Fairy Queen and the (golden) blue heron and thinks they are wonderful. The toad has some serious self-esteem issues and often feels more toady when he ventures out of the swamp and into the kingdom where there's so much talent everywhere.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Moving Day!

Click HERE (or the banner) to go to the new site!
So I up and made a sort of website. It's still sort of a blog too? But it's like a REALDEAL site with its own domain name and shit! I still need to do some fine tuning and add a few more things, but it's where art and craft stuff will go. I re-posted some tutorials there for now and more stuff will be added soonish hopefully. I'm probably going to do my bitchy and/or ranty and/or drinky-funny posts on Medium. That's what I'm thinking for now.

So... this is sort of sad. It's not really a break-up because this blog will always be here. It's not you, it's me.

But I still want us to be friends.