Thursday, May 28, 2015
Maybe you're in your 40's. Maybe everyday beer drinking is making you look bumpier. I invite you to join me in this next chapter of relaxation.
Here's my poison:
A Dixie cup of vodka (two shots)
The juice of 1/2 of a lime
Pour these ingredients into a tall glass over three ice cubes. Repeat if needed. Put your feet up. You're home.
Monday, May 11, 2015
|What an asshole!|
Remember that one time (you don't because I didn't tell you) I agreed to do this one thing for this one place, and then I wanted to kill myself? Let's just make this into this story about forest creatures...
So the Forest Fairy Queen asked the toad to come show the court his fly catching skills and the toad was stoked and said yes and came up with ways that he thought would make fly catching this cool thing that people would really be into. Then the toad found out that the month before his fly catching demo the Forest Fairy Queen invited the lovely blue heron who wasn't actually blue because she was actually made out of actual gold to come show the court her amazing skills at creating public art and the court lost their shit and the butterflies made a garland of rare roses to drape around her to demonstrate how amazing she is. Then the butterflies burst into flames. I'm not sure why. I think because they JUST COULDN'T EVEN. The heron is just that awesome!
So that's where I'm at. The toad's fictional scenario is happening in June. And the toad applied for another ridiculous thing that he thought would be awesome that's also happening in June. He hasn't heard back from those guys. That one is not looking good for the shitty toad.
You know, we used to have these two little toads one summer when the kids were younger that we found and kept in a bucket with some rocks and greenery and shit. Small little guys. We bought them crickets from the pet store. We put a dozen in there at a time. Within seconds the crickets were devoured. We bought a shitload of crickets. They just kept eating as many as we put in there. Dozens of crickets. Probably cost about twenty bucks to feed these gross things before we let them go.
Toads are dicks and also needy. And whose mediocrity is consuming them from within.
Little disclaimer: Make no mistake, the toad is totally in love with the Forest Fairy Queen and the (golden) blue heron and thinks they are wonderful. The toad has some serious self-esteem issues and often feels more toady when he ventures out of the swamp and into the kingdom where there's so much talent everywhere.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
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So... this is sort of sad. It's not really a break-up because this blog will always be here. It's not you, it's me.
But I still want us to be friends.