Sunday, July 28, 2013

Making Cornelia

Welp, time to bury some less than stellar blog posts with something cute named Cornelia (get it?) that has zero to do with drinking and debauchery. Besides my day job, I design projects for an online resource for activity professionals. One of the projects I recently finished required corn husks. I got a big bag from the Mexican grocery down the street ($5.49). I had TONS left over, so today I decided to make a corn husk doll. Most of the instructions online were for more traditional dolls. I wanted my doll to look like "the kids today" so I did some editing. I've written down the process I used so that you can make one, and then our dolls can be best friends! I made mine into a puppet by ramming a 12" bamboo skewer up her bottom. You can do that too if you like.

Materials:
  • 7 intact corn husks
  • Paper towels
  • Twine
  • Scissors, ruler
Optional materials:
  • 12" bamboo skewer
  • Apoxie Sculpt
  • Craft paint, painting supplies (brushes, water, paper towels)
  • Hot glue
How to do it:
  1. Soak the corn husks in warm water for a bit to get them nice and soft. Maybe you should do that now while you're reading this. Or maybe while you're making dinner. Like that amount of time. Maybe a half hour. When you're ready to rock and roll, take them out and blot them on some paper towels.
  2. Cut twenty 10" pieces of twine. Gather them together and make a huge knot at one end. This is going to be your doll's skull and hair. O.k., you know how all of the corn husks have a tapered end and a wide end? Well, take four of the corn husks and like wrap them around the twine bundle like the picture down below. The tapered ends go at the knot end. After your twine bundle is "burrito-ed" in the four corn husks, wrap a piece of twine tightly around the "neck".
  3. Now peel down the four husks like a banana so that the nicely wrapped head and the twine hair is emancipated. Tie another piece of neck-making twine. I swear this is the last time I'll tell you to make a neck with twine.
  4. O.k., you're going to do this next part three times, so listen up. With the three remaining husks, tear lengthwise into three equal pieces (so you'll have a pile of nine pieces). Take three pieces (bundle them without all wides on one side or all tapered on one side, like mix that up). Use a piece of twine and tie one end, braid those pieces, then tie another piece of twine on the other end. I should have told you to cut six small pieces of twine to begin with so you're not holding your braid and trying to cut a piece of twine. Live and learn. So do that three times. One is for the arms, and the other two are legs. Maybe I should have included a photo of that step, but really, it's just braiding three strips of husk and tying twine on each end. You'll figure it out.
  5. Sandwich one of the braids between the body husks to make arms (like two lengths of body husk should be in front of the arms and two behind). Now, this part is a little bit trickier. You're going to tie an end of each leg braid to one of the inner lengths of body husk. You can sort of shove them up in there and burrito the body husks around the legs. The photo sort of shows what I'm talking about.
  6. Dude, you're almost finished! Now all you have to do is tie one last piece of twine around the waist. Look at that! You made a corn husk doll with an updated outfit! You can braid the hair if you want or make a fine hat. Dress it up. Make her fancy.
  7. ORRRRR if you're never satisfied with mediocre, you can take some Apoxie Sculpt and make a lovely face. When that's cured, you can glue it on and paint the whole shebang. Yeah, that's not at ALL creepy. THEN if you're sort of obsessed with puppets, stick a skewer up the butt of your doll to make it a puppet. Maybe if I get enough feedback, I'll make a short video. That's up to you. No big deal.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Fuck Yeah, Underwear!

Here's the goods! Super nice packaging!
So if you blog long enough maybe someone will come along and ask you to review a product in exchange for getting to keep the product. Like a free thing. Like you get to have something and it's free. Like you didn't have to pay for it. That's me and my new best friend, Rounderwear. Dear sweet baby Jesus, go there at once and just LOOK at the models that they have on their website! You know how you take your kids to shop at H & M and you "let them stand in line" while you go look at the David Beckham underwear display? Well THIS is so much better!

(Pause for you clicking the link above. I know, right?)

Maybe I asked my family every day if my free stuff arrived in the mail. Maybe I assumed my free stuff was stolen by porch-package thieves. Maybe I had given up hope of anything good ever happening to me.

Then it arrived.

For one whole day, I just looked at it. I looked at the cardboard container it came in and I looked at the amazing plastic packaging encasing it.

Then I took it out.

I stroked it gently with my fingers. I examined all of its soft curves. It succumbed to my gentle touch. Our anatomies were waiting to be connected in the most intimate of ways.
Yeah, this AND your business? Oh, snap!


But first. Some planning.

I made a point to do some "much needed 'scaping" as I assumed "the young" do before embarking on fancy-garment-involving, butt-lifting activities. An event was decided upon at which to present my new silhouette. Maybe the event involved Wang Chung, maybe it didn't (no, it totally did, but the show is Saturday, and I have nothing to do tonight, so I did a trial run so that I could post early).

OMG! This shit is crazy!!! Think of a bra for your butt. I'm 45 years of age. I have some "business to attend to." ALL of that shit was contained. ALL. OF. THAT. SHIT. My husband has a vomit-mouthed list of amazing things to say about my my butt in these underwear. And according to David, you could almost get away with wearing a pants size smaller because, "All of your stuff is contained right in the middle of the target area." Not too high. Not too low. Just right. If you order a pair for yourself, consider going larger than your normal size. While mine fit pretty well, there's a tiny bit of "sausage leg".

I looked at similar products (namely Spanx), and their prices were CRAZY higher than the prices of these products. And Rounderwear's things are way more attractive. I will FOR SURE be wearing my new undergarment to my 80's extravaganza. You know... Stretch pants... Eye liner... Shoulder exposed...

BUTT FROM THE 80'S...

THANK YOU ROUNDERWEAR!!! I assure you, it will be a fun night. A Wang Chung night!

Sunday, July 7, 2013

How Having Our Shit Stolen Has Helped Me To Make "Lemonade"

Love this photo! It's shot by a guy on Wikimedia Commons named Paul Keller.
O.k. just because I wanted to have some sort of reference to the title of this post, I looked this phrase up on Wikipedia. WAY more awesome than anything I could have made up (I'm assuming that Wikipedia is some super, well-written fiction project. No?). So here it goes:

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade" is a proverbial phrase used to encourage optimism and a can-do attitude in the face of adversity or misfortune. "Lemons" in this expression is used in the informal sense of the word, to indicate an unfortunate or inadequate situation, a meaning which probably stems from the sour and acidic taste of unsweetened lemon. "Lemonade" on the other hand, is a sweetened form of this same acerbic fruit, and so in the context of this expression, conveys the potential for pleasure and opportunity in seemingly bad situations.

The phrase was initially coined by Christian anarchist writer Elbert Hubbard in a 1915 obituary he penned and published for dwarf actor Marshall P. Wilder. The obituary, entitled The King of Jesters, praises Wilder's optimistic attitude and achievements in the face of his disabilities:
"He was a walking refutation of that dogmatic statement, Mens sana in corpore sano. His was a sound mind in an unsound body. He proved the eternal paradox of things. He cashed in on his disabilities. He picked up the lemons that Fate had sent him and started a lemonade-stand."
Damn! That shit almost made me cry!

The lemonade proverb is one that pretty much everyone thinks of subconsciously whenever something crap happens to them. Most of the time we hear those words in our heads with the voice of a shitty community helper or a puss coworker or some such person. It grates on us and we hate the say-er of the words. We imagine ourselves punching the mouth or neck or maybe the temple of the say-er. "Say 'lemonade' one more time, motherfucker!" goes the scenario in our head as we beat the shit out of this fictional person. We punch for the trite comment and we punch for the person(s) who wronged us and we punch for the universe who made us be born. This happens in our head. Maybe it happens once. Maybe more than once.

So we got robbed two-ish weeks ago. Among the shit stolen was my low-tech phone. Not sure what the reasoning was for taking such a phone. A baby wouldn't have even played with this phone. Like I don't think it even would be deemed worthy of gumming. But anyway: Phone gone. My kid got an iPhone from his amazingly awesome step-father for graduation and so had an extra phone. It was an Android-type phone. With the INTERNET! Holy shit! The internet on A PHONE! You can take pictures AND E-MAIL THEM TO PEOPLE!

So I moved up in the world of technology.

And then I downloaded MyFitnessPal.

It started with my co-worker Allison. She's lost a ton of weight with this system. She was/is doing so well. I didn't want her do this all by herself (She wasn't doing it by herself, Sharon. She was doing it with a friend. Not with you. Because maybe you are super competitive and a little bit crazy. Maybe she ACCIDENTALLY told you about it. Maybe now she sort of regrets letting that slip.) ANYway, so I had a rocky start with some days where I was kind of hallucinating and quasi gagging on diet food, but NOW it's like MAGIC! Like I can eat just enough to have THREE BEERS as long as I do a little exercise. But who doesn't like to dance a little when they're drinking THREE BEERS? Is it a little like a cult? OMG, it TOTALLY is a cult. The forums are super crazy. Like there are actually crazy people posting on there. But HOLY SHIT, they look great!!!

So when life gives me lemons, I make lemonade, except now it's Crystal Light.

Get it?