Monday, February 25, 2013

New Shit!

Over the next few days I'm putting up in the Etsy store (link above somewhere) 10 new little gals and fellas to wear around your neck to keep you company and to share your secrets. Any feedback is appreciated! Like... are there enough people who would want something this creepy as a necklace? The director of my company looked at my prototype with unmasked disgust. Not sure that she's my market. I keep trying to make them "cuter", but I think that part of my brain is broken.

These little guys even have an incredible back-story about their creator, Dr. Mortimer Crum, being captured during WWII and being forced to perform genetic experiments to create human/animal hybrids, and upon his escape rescuing his "children" and hiding them in his attic and caring for them until they could be adopted.

Yeah, I'm not sure this helps.

Friday, February 22, 2013

If I Say It Here, No Take Backs!

I get these things from this on-line marketing company. E-mails. Like spam.

It's weird, because some go directly to the spam box, and some come through to my regular e-mail. There's no rhyme nor reason.

Or is there? (cue alien music)

One week ago I got an e-mail from these people about an on-line "course" about writing e-books. They spoke of this as if it was the new pyramid scheme. A "sure thing" (of course, they went on to talk about hiring writers and junk).

I have to say, the free part of the course was actually very informative and somewhat inspiring. To summarize, this is the stuff Sharon came away with:
  1. ANYone can write an e-book.
  2. You should write an e-book about something you are familiar with.
  3. What the fuck is it that people ask you about the most?
Here's what I came away with...

I should write an e-book about getting a divorce.

HOLY SHIT! Most e-books (or non-e-books for that matter) out there on the subject are written all serious-like. What do my girls need most during this super-shitty time of their life?

Humor.

It's not like I like to constantly be reminded that I've made some very bad decisions early-on in my life, but now that I'm on "the other side" of this thing called divorce, I've come to terms that I have some very valuable information to pass on.

And I'm funny.

Stay tuned...


Sunday, February 10, 2013

House Full of Motherfuckin' Demons

You can clearly see one of them at work.

the title of today's web log:

OMFG!!! I HATE MY HOUSE!!!
But don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I have a roof over my head.

The house where I live contains a black hole of despair that demons climb up from to torment me and to cause shit to fall apart. I am thoroughly convinced of this.

Little history.

I was for many years in a terrible marriage with "the wrong guy". Long, awful story short: That marriage ended. Circumstances shook out (read: I let people make terrible decisions for me) for me to keep this equity-sucking, probable past dark Satanic ritual hosting, no sunlight coming in from any window on the first floor having, OMG, is that ANOTHER FUCKING LEAK sprouting, holy shit how much fucking trash can blow into one's front yard happening, I think a hobo is sleeping under the stairs of the next door neighbor's house I'MNOTMAKINGTHISUP ... house.

More history.

Quickly after papers were signed and this place was ALL MINE (yaaay sarcastically) I was reunited with "the right guy", did whatever work was needed to get this place rented, and MOVED THE FUCK OUT! Super nice people moved in. I didn't tell them about the demons. I hoped they were atheists.

Probably because of the demons, but maybe because they were professional people who just had a baby and were sick of living in the ghetto, the young couple bought a house in Clintonville, and instead of putting the amount of work into the house that needed to happen to re-rent it, we just moved back in.

Gross.

People visit my house and they say this:

"Oh, this place isn't that bad."

Then I say this:

DO YOU NOT SEE THE DEMONS!!!???"

Long, possibly phonecalltotheguyswhodrivethepaddedvan happening, story short.. I hate this house.

BUT LO, DEAR READERS...

Do you think I would merely rant about my shitty dwelling without offering myself and hopefully at least one reader who has, I'm sure,  EXACTLY the same issues hope to carry on?

NAY!!!!

I've decided to turn lemons into margaritas, and have come up with A SUPERFANTASTIC ACTION LIST so's not to stare morosely for hours out of the window by my desk that looks out unto the neighbor's brick wall. The list centers around this premise: SELLING THIS DEMON-POSSESSED HOUSE!!! In order to see the light at the end of this dark, dark, very dark tunnel, I must (you must) take real steps to make this a reality. My SUPERFANTASTIC ACTION LIST is actually a bunch of sub-things off of this one thing...

Fix one thing a week! That's only 52 things in a year. Save the BIG THINGS for your tax return money, but come up with a bunch of small things that can be accomplished with small funds. Here's some very real examples:
  • Quikrete!!! There's probably all kinds of shit around your property that needs some cosmetic patching. This stuff is SO easy to use and the repairs you can do with it really go a long way with the first impression your home has on a buyer. Click on the link for like a bajillion helpful hints. I swear they aren't paying me to say this, I just think this stuff rules!
  • Paint your trim. Tackle a room or two a week. BAM! It's like Botox for your walls.
  • And while your your painting clothes are in arms reach, why don't you paint your front door and shutters? Use oil-based paint for exterior jobs. Holy crap, if you don't know about Houzz.com, do yourself a favor and sign up to get their newsletter. They have wonderful color palette suggestions in each edition.
  • Gather sturdy cardboard boxes and repack your shit. You no doubt have piles of it laying haphazardly around your basement from your last move. Much of it you wish you would've already thrown out. Spend a weekend ACTUALLY throwing shit out, then repack the shit you think you might need. If you have not touched the piece of shit in a year's time, you probably do not need it.
  • Buy some yard waste bags and fill one a week. If you are us then you have a condo complex for all of the ghetto's wildlife in a massive leaf and twig pile in your back yard. Get this taken care of before the neighbors call the health department. Or the wildlife department.
  • Don't go crazy! You are not building an island and redesigning your kitchen. You are not buying custom window treatments. You are not landscaping in an Oriental theme. You are planning on selling your house! Who cares if you hate the layout? Who cares if you hate your flooring? Who cares if you want a bigger tub? Spend the hating time daydreaming about your future house!
There you go! A few ideas to get your started! The demons hate when I say this, but I think this place has a bright future.

With atheists.


Friday, February 1, 2013

Happy Birthday to Me! I mean, to YOU!

click on the link below for a PDF version!

Remember when you were in school and on YOUR birthday YOU were expected to bring in treats to share with your class? You didn't know yet that this was utter bullshit and that people should be showering YOU with gifts and good tidings.

Kids are generally stupid.

But then you grow up and somehow the notion of bringing treats doesn't quite wear off. Why is there a day of the year that you deserve to be "emperor" and to subject others in lower positions to serve you and to purchase for you goods and/or services? Eff that, I will continue to be the lowest of them all!!! TAKE MY STUFF!!! LIKE ME!!!

Who's stupid now?

So in honor of my birthday on February 2nd, I give you a fun PDF file "treat" (featuring my favorite puppet, Louis) to download and print to give to your honey for Valentine's Day and beyond. You can manipulate the file into a smaller version to make into a card. Someone you know might find it funny. I hope you like it. I can put icing on it if you want...