|Not even fucking kidding. No color adjustment.|
What the fuck happened? I used to bring shit to potlucks and plop it down to oohs and ahhs. Eager faces would wait by the door with forks at the ready. What did she bring? Is it curry? Is it some awesome Italian shit? Is it something from some country we've never even HEARD of? And that shit's fucking VEGAN? WTF??? Is she some sort of goddamn WIZARD?
I have a bunch of stuff going on now and jobs and whatnot. If dinner isn't either made by my amazing husband or cobbled together from leftover leftovers then it usually looks a lot like a bowl of cereal. Or pizza in a box. Or beers.
Sometimes it bothers me about not cooking. I used to really get a kick out of it. Creating things everybody gets to experience AND be nourished by... it's sort of better than art-making. If I look at all of the art I've ever made and all of the food I've ever cooked and compared the positive-reaction-rate. Well, let's just say that food's historically been a much better bet for this girl.
I tell stories to my husband about how I was once a really good cook. I've had a couple of successes which make me at least not look like I'm completely crazytown. But maybe he sort of feels sorry for me and "goes along with it". "Yeah, this is really tasty! I'm sure if I was into _________ then this would TOTALLY be something I could make a meal of." He puts some in a bowl. He is very nice.
And then I think, "I'll make chicken and dumplings!!! What human does not like chicken and dumplings?" I don't even add vegetables to my recipe because I want everyone to be able to add what they like. I like peas. Mine should have peas.
A normal cook can make chicken and dumplings from chicken and shit they have in their pantry. Unless you're me and you somehow manage to make the most unattractive greenish-gray gunge that just happens to be made out of food. "Herbed" dumplings, I thought.
Why God? Is it because you're mad at me for eating chickens? You seemed to be into the squash soup I made two weeks ago. That went over well with two whole people. Maybe you have cursed me to never again make anything good unless it's vegetarian. There are whole parts of the bible where people eat the shit out of animals. Why me? Why can't I cook animals?
Oh, because I've never actually cooked animals. I've pretty much only cooked not-animals for almost all of my cooking life. Animals are literally a "different animal". It's actually a lot harder. They are like adding a whole different medium to an art piece. Like making an oil painting into a sculpture.
But you know what's good? Chicken wings. You can get them at the store or at the places that make wings.
"Please don't try this at home, Sharon."