Sunday, October 6, 2013

Shit-ken, I Mean Chicken

Not even fucking kidding. No color adjustment.

What the fuck happened? I used to bring shit to potlucks and plop it down to oohs and ahhs. Eager faces would wait by the door with forks at the ready. What did she bring? Is it curry? Is it some awesome Italian shit? Is it something from some country we've never even HEARD of? And that shit's fucking VEGAN? WTF??? Is she some sort of goddamn WIZARD?

Flash forward.

I have a bunch of stuff going on now and jobs and whatnot. If dinner isn't either made by my amazing husband or cobbled together from leftover leftovers then it usually looks a lot like a bowl of cereal. Or pizza in a box. Or beers.

Sometimes it bothers me about not cooking. I used to really get a kick out of it. Creating things everybody gets to experience AND be nourished by... it's sort of better than art-making. If I look at all of the art I've ever made and all of the food I've ever cooked and compared the positive-reaction-rate. Well, let's just say that food's historically been a much better bet for this girl.

Until recently.

I tell stories to my husband about how I was once a really good cook. I've had a couple of successes which make me at least not look like I'm completely crazytown. But maybe he sort of feels sorry for me and "goes along with it".  "Yeah, this is really tasty! I'm sure if I was into _________ then this would TOTALLY be something I could make a meal of." He puts some in a bowl. He is very nice.

And then I think, "I'll make chicken and dumplings!!! What human does not like chicken and dumplings?" I don't even add vegetables to my recipe because I want everyone to be able to add what they like. I like peas. Mine should have peas.


A normal cook can make chicken and dumplings from chicken and shit they have in their pantry. Unless you're me and you somehow manage to make the most unattractive greenish-gray gunge that just happens to be made out of food. "Herbed" dumplings, I thought.


Why God? Is it because you're mad at me for eating chickens? You seemed to be into the squash soup I made two weeks ago. That went over well with two whole people. Maybe you have cursed me to never again make anything good unless it's vegetarian. There are whole parts of the bible where people eat the shit out of animals. Why me? Why can't I cook animals?

Oh, because I've never actually cooked animals. I've pretty much only cooked not-animals for almost all of my cooking life. Animals are literally a "different animal". It's actually a lot harder. They are like adding a whole different medium to an art piece. Like making an oil painting into a sculpture.

But you know what's good? Chicken wings. You can get them at the store or at the places that make wings.

"Please don't try this at home, Sharon."

"I won't."


  1. Oh, girl! I love how you make me laugh. And bonus: that awesome poetry of the labels! You ARE a mad genius.
    Wanted to tell you about my big positive win: I drove ( over 600 miles round trip!!) to Knoxville, Maryland for a 3 day Art Retreat. I think of myself as such a Freaky Weirdo, and of course my Inner Critic, who I am beginning to personify as "Bitchy Sue" (initials "BS") went along for the ride. I am a bit of a loner. I find people hard to read, and miss clues because, being borderline agoraphobic, I don't get out much to get any practice at building skillz. It was a big deal for me to drive that far and take that chance. It was organized and hosted by Lesley Riley who's an amazing pioneer of mixed media, a hero of mine, and the class was taught by SUCH a sweet young woman named Bridgette Guerzon Mills. I 1st met her online because she was selling beautiful handmade journals (which I am a huge sucker for) ; now she's concentrating on encaustic painting, incorporating her photography as transfers.. I LOVE her work. I HAD to go (IT WAS TIME!)
    So I get there. Everyone is SO nice; people are arriving, and I'm getting more and more strung out. I go for a walk. I come back in and meet more people. Eventually we eat together--10 women total. I finally have to go to my room for some peace and quiet--THANK GOD!! I took a book with me--(I'm reading some greatly entertaining stuff by Laurie R. King--about Mary Russell, who was Sherlock Holmes' much younger wife, and she is KICK-ASS! Gorgeously escapist stuff, LOVE the way LRK writes) Any way, my roomie comes in--she has a bad back, and has to lay on a heating pad on a pretty regular basis, Brief conversation, and then we each read our separate stuff til we sleep.

    Next day: 1st class. Wow, I love Bridgette's stuff, AND I CAN'T DO IT! I'm Mrs. Chunky SloppyWax Surface, B's is so soft and dreamy! I get paralyzed and Bitchy Sue is sitting on my neck with her criticism and I-told-you-so's. I almost want to cry. I wasn't having fun, but I tried to hang in with a trembley smile on my face. That night my perfect roomie ( I ended up calling her "Laurie-Roomie-Guru") told me the perfect stuff. "You don't come to these thing to produce a work of art! You come to try some new stuff, ask questions, learn some stuff, hopefully, and just be around other creative people. If you DO make something you like, it's BONUS." So: it took me 2 out of 3 days to relax, but when I did, I really connected. Laurie told me she saw the transformation, and was really pleased by it. I may have made a couple friends!! I got out of the house in a big way! I'm gonna start doing stuff like this more often. I've been so bored, and desperate for something new---I went out looking for my people, and there they were! So. Wow---somehow I thought you might find this interesting. Why does it feel like I KNOW you, or recognize you just because I am moved by what you write and how much you cuss, and your (little-bit-disturbing, but in a good and sometimes funny way) ART? I dunno...just the Freaky Weirdo in me. And Bitchy Sue seems to like you, too.

    1. OMG! You are awesome! And a complete bad ass!!! Encaustic? Are you kidding me? That shit's CRAZY! I am so proud of you!!! PROUDPROUDPROUD!

      And you say such nice things! And I feel total samesies about you! And your comments are always like poetry!!!

      Big hugs!!!

  2. I just ate some of that and it was delicious. Like, no shit, it was AWESOME. Please stop freakin' out. The only thing that could possibly go wrong is if you tried that vegan shit again. Then it would be ""wings", from that "wings place" all the time. But seriously, it's awesome!!!