Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I am one proud motherfucker!

Holy shit! This is a week that I'm glad my job is sorta a clusterfuck so that I have no brain capacity to be an emotional wreck. You see, I have a kid graduating from high school.

I have a kid graduating from high school!!!

Deep breath...


One more deep breath...

I can barely write two words without my eyes tearing up so I'll just power through this like Bruce Willis*. Alex has been a rock for me in ways no teen should need to be. And it's not like he didn't have his own shit to deal with. If there was an award for "Weathering Questionable Parenting and Coming Out Of It Like a BOSS!" it should be given to this person. And that's just the tip of the iceberg, STS (so to speak**). I cannot say enough amazing things about Alex in one blog post. It would be so many computers long. All of your mebs and kebs would be depleted.

Oh, did I mention that Alex is a Horace Mann Fellow which is the equivalent of full paid tuition to Antioch College? There's that.

But wait, that's not all!

Nora is "graduating" from eighth grade! It sort of sucks that Alex's thing upstages Nora's thing, but if I can take a minute to tell you about the person that started at GEMS and the person that is ending at GEMS then you would say, "No way, that is not the same person!" Nora has surprised us in ways that we couldn't have even imagined. She started the program as a "special ed" kid and has emerged as one of the best students at the school. Her test scores in some areas are even ABOVE the state averages. She has worked her ass off and has impressed the shit out of everyone. I am proud of her beyond measure. She makes teachers weep***!

O.k, Wallace is Peck is not a spawn of mine, but I have worked very closely with him for years and he is one of my best friends. I am so proud of him, and I cannot WAIT until Friday when I get to accompany him to his opening at Lindsay Gallery where he will smile (a smile that will melt your soul) at his fans and be humble and be charming and be amazing.

Did I mention that he's sold SIX paintings so far and the show has yet to begin!!!???

*There are ZERO Bruce Willis films that sucked. Die Hard #1 opened me up to a genre of films that I previously was uninterested in. He is a hero.

**Is STS a thing yet? I mean, aren't shithead fake literary people using "so to speak" like ALL THE TIME? I think if YOLO is a thing then STS should be a thing.

***This is a true story. At one of her teacher meetings one of her teachers was in actual tears explaining how awesome Nora was.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Graduation and Lumbar Support

Dollar Tree, mothereffers!

Have you ever been so physically tired that even beers didn't sound good? Like not the ones you drank DURING the physical activity. Those were good beers. I mean the, "Damn, what a DAY! I could really use a couple of beers!" beers? And I thought that maybe some ice cream would be a good replacement reward for a day of grueling labor. I even got up and made it half way to the kitchen, looked at the freezer, then sat back down. Then I just stared at the computer. Then I thought about going to the bathroom. Then, since I'm having trouble moving my limbs and I'm pretty sure that soon my finger muscles will seize, I decided to log a quick post to announce a wonderful purchase I made today.

But first some back story (pardon the pun that you'll get if you keep reading).

My oldest is graduating from high school on Saturday (note: My youngest is graduating too. From middle school. And while I'm sure she is a little miffed that we are not making a huge deal of it, she is going from the 8th grade to the 9th grade. But I told the bakery to put her name on the cake. But I told them to make it smaller.). So everyone is coming back here after the ceremony for food and festivities. Like my mom, my kid's other grandparents, other ex-family. So mainly people with nice homes. Is it just me or does everyone wait until days before they plan to have "people who might judge them" (who actually probably won't) come over to TOTALLY overhaul their house and yard? Yesterday and today we re-dug and re-stacked a fire pit, re-concreted the stairs, dug up old pavers and re-stacked the wood pile, moved one pile of wood waste and one pile of rock waste to another part of the yard, tidied up the compost area, filled lawn bags, weeded the yard, burnt off old wood (including one and one half Christmas trees), moved pavers to the rock waste pile, filled more lawn bags, dug up an old planter, mopped the vinyl siding on the front of the house. AND I went to Dollar Tree to buy supplies for the party. AND because I really like to see all the things one can buy for a dollar, I went through every aisle. AND I found an item made by wizards (see above photo) that I'm using right now. I'm going to go back and get one for the car (probably two for the car), one for work, and one "just in case". I Googled "mesh back support" and there were some exactly like the one at Dollar Tree that were much more than a dollar.


Monday, May 20, 2013

Rosie the Riv-frigerator!

"Sharon, why has it been so long? We long for your funny way of looking at the world!"

"OMG! I have shit to do! And I've been cutting back on the beers, and this blog has a 3+ beer posting rule.*

But seriously. The refrigerator.

So for weeks our refrigerator has been like a rainforest. Like leftovers have become saturated in mysterious fluids. The crisper bins have been swimming pools for forgotten produce. Everything coated in packaging has become like old lady tits in a thick, soaking, polyester bathing suit.

Not good.

I really want to live like normal people who take care of things. The knowledge is out there. I can do this. I can fix things.

I looked ALLLLLLL OVER the internet for instructions with pictures on how to fix my problem. THIS LINK solved everything. The only interjection I have is that I did NOT have to remove the back panel at all. Just the bottom panel. Which is two small bolts which I removed with shitty needle-nose pliers. Then I poured hot tap water down the hole a bit... Went next door to hang out with the adorable gay couple for a bit... Came back and BAM! The thing was clear!

Summary: Spend a lot of time on the internet and hang out with gay people.

*Often posts are deleted the next morning due to the 3+ posting rule.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

The Waiting

photograph by Russell Lee (1903-1986)
She was up to nine cars. She had been counting cars for the last 23 minutes and 32 seconds. At 12 minutes and 14 seconds, she saw her friend Jane go by in the fifth car with her mother. She waved frantically from behind the window, jumping like a chimpanzee on the couch. She knew there was little hope at gaining her friend’s attention, but it gave her something to do while she waited.

Ten cars.

She was looking out for her mother’s car. A van, to be specific. A Ford van, to be even more specific. They were a Ford family. Her dad worked at Ford. They only bought Fords. Before car manufacturing became a grey area of global “fingers in the pie” Ford families thought that to buy un-American cars meant that you were un-American. Those were different times.

Eleven cars.

She kneeled backwards on the couch with her nose pressed to the window and began to daydream. Her mother occupied a space in her mind reserved for deities. She was sure that there was no other mother as beautiful as hers. Her mother took time to make her hair fancy and to watch her put on makeup was like one watching Michelangelo put the finishing touches on the Sistine Chapel. She was confident that her mother was an artist of unique skill. Her mother could sew and could make dresses and even pants for her children. And her mother could cook. Her mother could perform magic in the kitchen and conjure the tastiest lasagna from some mystical plane. She imagined her mother dressed like Glenda the Good Witch and making dinner float to the table using her wand.

Twelve cars.

The anticipation was comforting. She lived for this time of the day. The waiting. The excitement of being the first to see her mother was such a joy to her, and her mother’s smile was a treasure that she tucked into secret spaces in her heart. She stood up and examined the pattern that the couch fabric pressed into her knees. She liked the bumpy texture and ran her fingers back and forth over them as she waited.

A thirteenth car. No, it was bigger than a car. It might be a van. It IS a van. It’s her mother’s van! Her mother is getting closer. Her mother is pulling in the driveway. Her mother is getting out and walking up the sidewalk. Oh, what’s that her mother is carrying? She gets to the door just before her mother and holds it open for her as if she’s preparing an entrance for royalty. Her mother smiles at her and bends down to give her a kiss. The smile is tucked away into her heart’s secret spaces.

“Look what I brought you!”

She looks with excitement at the Sesame Street Magazine as her mother slips it into her small hands. It is like the most sparkly diamond. A treasure. A gift bestowed from a goddess. Contentment wraps her as if with a warm blanket. She is loved.