Saturday, April 13, 2013

Life is...

She has a pet unicorn.

Life is ___________.

So what's that mean for you today? If I could see into the mind(s) of all of you reader(s), I'd venture to guess (although I'd like to ADventure to guess) that the fill-ins would be about half...

Life is shitty.
Life is unfair.
Life is a glass half empty.
Life is a black swamp of despair in which I tread with my face tilted toward the silent sky, nose and mouth pressing above the waterline, struggling for tainted breath. Until I sink into the darkness. And I succumb. Struggling no more.

... and half...

Life is good.
Life is a bowl of cherries.
Life is a game, and today I am winning.
Life is like a unicorn sliding down a rainbow into a marshmallow cloud. And the cloud rains chocolate drops, but the kind that melt in your mouth and not in your hand and also have marshmallow INSIDE of them (which makes sense because they come out of a marshmallow cloud). And you get to keep the unicorn as a pet, but it doesn't cost anything to feed and it never needs to go to the vet. Do you understand what I am saying? It's like the best pet ever... and it's totally FREE!

Depending on who you are, where you are, when you are, whathaveyou, your pie chart no doubt fluctuates a bit.

some examples:
you accidentally ate your tooth... 68% negative-ish
You just got a raise... 72% positive-ish
But now you have to work on Saturdays... 77% negative-ish

You are probably aware that nothing in life is guaranteed. Just at the moment when your Karma waitress comes by your table with a huge, steaming shit sandwich with a side of train wreck you find out that your buddy over there has cancer or their husband cheated on them on their birthday. Their black swamp of despair causes you to adjust your percentages. You don't have it THAT bad. Really, if you think about it, even in your darkest moments you're not quite the mess that you sometimes imagine that you are.

So smile, you lucky bastard! You get to live another day!

Nothing in life is guaranteed... Except your ultimate demise. Now that you're relatively happy with your situation, take some time to plan for your death.

"Holy shit, Sharon! This is how you're going to end this post?"

Dude, you could die before you even finish reading this. Does anyone besides yourself know any of your passwords? Do you know where the photos are that you'd like to use for your slideshow? Does anyone know whether you want to be buried or cremated? And who's paying for that stuff? Have you even STARTED sculpting the statue that will hold your cremains?

What if you planned it all yourself? Now! What if your slideshow was funny and had all of the cat memes inserted at random intervals. And have you EVER liked funeral homes? Maybe you could plan another venue. Maybe start an envelope with cash that someone can use to pay for everything. Put your important documents in one place.

You COULD guarantee that everyone at your funeral come away with a small gift that you create while you are alive. You COULD guarantee that there is a menu planned for the snack table with all of your favorite treats and beverages. You COULD guarantee that you have a will. And maybe life insurance.

Do that.

Life is short.


  1. Holy shit, Sharon, I hope you're okay health-wise. This post made me worry.

    Everyone knows that I want 1) to be cremated 2) the movie "The Bicycle Thief" playing over and over again at my wake. Also we (my tiny little family) also know where to meet in case our house is blown up/destroyed in any natural or unnatural catastrophe. I haven't figured out what I want to do with my ashes. When my son was young, he said he would make a tea of them and drink it, and of course now he's horrified that he even thought that! So I guess I should find some sort of container for them, but I think instead I'll just tell my husband and son to sprinkle them in the garden.

    1. PS: congrats on the raise!

    2. Thanks for commenting Carol! My health is just fine (I think?), but I'm reading a book about a person who died and I just had a distant friend who died so my obsession with planning my funeral has been recently renewed.

      And those percent deal-i-o's were just examples and might not actually pertain to me (I should have mentioned that I think).

      Have a wonderful Sunday!!! Big hugs from the capitol!

    3. Well I'm glad that you brought it up because I think I need to write down my intentions and put them in my will. Thanks for the reminder.

      Ooops - well I hope you get a raise soon anyway! ;)

      Thanks - you have a great day too - oh, were you able to see the Northern Lights? It was too cloudy here to see them.

    4. Booo too cloudy here too. I don't think anyone I know got any sort of good view.

      Let's hope there will be more to come!

  2. Just want you to know I really enjoy your posts, and that list of labels at the bottom cracks me up. I need to put all my last wishes into writing..I've told people, but do they listen? (kids.) My ashes, and those of my late best friends (cats) are supposed to get sprinkled in my sister's field--we're going back to the land, and will be part of new growing things. I like that. (It's not TOO weird that I have 6 cats' ashes, is it?!)

    1. Is it weird that I think you are AWESOME for having 6 cats' ashes???

      Your plan sounds amazing!!! I just found a place in Columbus that's super affordable.

      Is it weird that I'm sharing cremation prices during my morning coffee?

      Weird is certainly relative, lol!

      Have a great day Mary Jo!

  3. Oh Sharon, I'm glad that you, in all your funny,weird, disturbing, tragicomedy awesomeness are my friend.

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