Monday, April 1, 2013

Menopausitive!

Pausitive?


You know when you e-mail your spouse several times a day to see if he still loves you and you have candy for dinner and you harbor hatred so intense for a specific human that you're sure that he must, via some sort of juju, be suffering in some part of his body and you feel like there is an alien in your stomach, no, your lower bowel region, no, your liver, no, it's really cancer and you need to start giving away your stuff to your co-workers and bid them a final farewell as you leave work and tell them that you love them and that you might never see them again. Maybe you secretly wish Allison would volunteer to create your funeral slide show because she's really good at that kind of stuff. You hope that they make good use of all of your leftover art supplies. I should write down all of my passwords.

And I'm not even close to menopause!!! I'm just at the "Let's have a period every few weeks, I mean days, I mean months, and let's make it extra shitty and let's maybe release The Kraken inside there somewhere to jiggle all of the organs and maybe pull out some pipes, maybe make a balloon animal" stage.

That's fair (sarcasm).

Hey, female person who's mid 40's who has two teenagers with interesting-to-deal-with situations with one about to go to college and one who is hell-bent on making things hell-bent and who also maybe works at a non-profit making a shitty salary doing things that people often say "I could never do that!" about and who constantly regrets most of her choices made from ages 18-24, no 18-30, no 14-42.

What the shit?

"So Sharon, you're always so happy, I mean, you always appear so happy, I mean, you're often smiling... sort of... well now, is that really a smile? What's that she's doing with her eyes?"

Well, there's a method to the madness! I could not get work or personal shit done if I showed up wielding sharp items screaming banshee cries (or COULD I?).

"What do you do, Sharon, to be so awesome all of the time?

I drink beer!* O.k., maybe not before work, but if I know there's some cold ones somewhere at some time waiting for me, well then, that is enough to keep me smiling.

"Uhhh... Seriously? You solve all of your problems with beer?"

Yes, yes I do. Just beer. Hard liquor creates more problems than it solves. Wine is disgusting. Beer is comfortable. It is a warm blanket. It never cheats on you. You can always count on it. It is your friend.

Unless it is not your friend, in which case I recommend Netflix.



*and I have a a very awesome husband.


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