Monday, March 18, 2013

What the SHIT, middle age?

Remember when there was like pestilence and like plagues and junk and folks got married in their teens and people died like in their 30's and that was a full fucking life? You maybe sat around at night singing hymns, went adventuring for scraps of food. Sewed a smock. You didn't complain to everyone about your arthritis because your leprosy made it so that you didn't have lips.

Was that so bad?

The moment after we slip out of our mothers we all transition into festering, decaying bags of organs that we schlep around from milestone to milestone. This bag "graduated" from kindergarten. This bag got into a college. This bag got married. This bag became a CPA.

Whoa, Sharon... What the shit are you talking about? And can you please try to make a funny post? So far this is kind of a bummer.

Oh... Right...

It all started with this magnificent zit!

Not just any zit. This is one of those "MOTHER OF ALL ZITS" type of zit. Like the kind of zit where you wonder if it could possibly be a boil. And then you freak out because boils are like something that God uses to smite people in the bible, and you are positive that you want no part in that business. Like you've seen a boil a couple of times in your life, and you almost threw up every single time. It's like a Jurassic Park zit.

And it's between my eyes, pushing against my brain, possibly writing this blog post of its own will.

But seriously.

Don't middle-aged people have it bad enough? Let's just start by breaking down what's presented in the above photo alone...
  • Sunken in eyeballs due to fat redistribution. This is the lamest shit EVER! Let's take the stuff that makes us look NOT LIKE THE GUY FROM GOOSEBUMPS and put it, oh... I don't know... on our stomachs, hips, and ass. I've been athletic-ish my entire life, and I now look a fall fruit. Really, nature?
  • Slightly jaundice pallor. I don't know what to make of this. I know, it's my fault for having kids thus leading to the over-consumption of alcohol thus leading to an exhausted liver thus leading to the yellowing of the skin. But truth be told, I usually increase the yellow tones on Photoshop when editing photos, so I succeeded in saving a few seconds of my time which is just enough to pop the top on a cold Red Stripe. Ahhh...
  • Nice, even eyebrows morphing into a couple of really long hairs on each brow ridge. Now this one is one-part old and one-part genetics. I'm pretty sure that when my dad died he had like three eye brow hairs on each side that were like an inch long. I no longer pluck my eyebrows, I just trim.
  • Uneven skin tone. Oh the hormones, they be off the hook. Did I have that brown patch yesterday? No? Welcome to pre-menopause. Not to mention the splotches that I'm pretty sure are cancer.
Gahdammit! My shit is falling apart. I all but hobble from my bed in the morning to make the coffee so that I have the energy to take a shower. Did I mention that I work out? I down a half-dozen ibuprofen to schlep my junk from point a to point b to perform tasks needed to receive a paycheck to pay for more meds and more healthy products to prolong this existence. For what?

So that I can have shitty acne?


I need to work this out. There is hope, right?

Here are some things that I've gathered that can maybe help those in a similar situation:
  • Dave swears by Stridex pads. He recommends cleaning the affected area several times a day to dry it out. You can also rub the area down with the pad to work away any scabby areas or dead skin that sometimes gathers around a zit.
  • Let's say you're a squeezer and you've created a mangled-looking situation (see above photo). Wash your face with an anti-bacterial cleanser before you go to bed then add the smallest of dabs of triple anti-biotic ointment to the scabby area. The squozen area will not scab up super badly, and the whole business will heal more quickly. You will wake up with a zit that is softer and less like a shelf of gross skin. 
  • Don't stress. I know, right? But seriously, stress is a huge zit causer. I read it on the internet.
  • Just know that until you're like REALLY old, you are just going to get zits. Fluctuating hormones associated with the menopausal years just sets you up for zit failure. Just embrace it. 
Or blog about it.


  1. Why did everyone lie to us about our skin?! at age 13:"don't worry, honey, once you're in college you won't get zits anymore."

    I almost feel as though I wouldn't care so much if I'd have known I'd get pimples along with my wrinkles.


  2. Why did everyone lie to us about our skin?! at age 13:"don't worry, honey, once you're in college you won't get zits anymore."

    I almost feel as though I wouldn't care so much if I'd have known I'd get pimples along with my wrinkles.


  3. I keep getting (now that my hair is longer, and I quite often forget when my last shower was) zits behind my ears.

    1. It's so funny. I just met my ladyfriends for breakfast yesterday. Last time I met them was during my "third eye" zit and yesterday I had a new bright red, scabby, mouth herpes-looking zit. GROSS!

    2. Is it awful of me that I'm quietly giggling? But, full disclosure here, I had three face zits last week. I mostly blame the damned face sunscreen I wore last Sunday. And two weeks ago I had those stupid mouth cracks (sans zit, though). Sigh. We're a mess.