Sunday, February 10, 2013

House Full of Motherfuckin' Demons

You can clearly see one of them at work.

the title of today's web log:

OMFG!!! I HATE MY HOUSE!!!
But don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I have a roof over my head.

The house where I live contains a black hole of despair that demons climb up from to torment me and to cause shit to fall apart. I am thoroughly convinced of this.

Little history.

I was for many years in a terrible marriage with "the wrong guy". Long, awful story short: That marriage ended. Circumstances shook out (read: I let people make terrible decisions for me) for me to keep this equity-sucking, probable past dark Satanic ritual hosting, no sunlight coming in from any window on the first floor having, OMG, is that ANOTHER FUCKING LEAK sprouting, holy shit how much fucking trash can blow into one's front yard happening, I think a hobo is sleeping under the stairs of the next door neighbor's house I'MNOTMAKINGTHISUP ... house.

More history.

Quickly after papers were signed and this place was ALL MINE (yaaay sarcastically) I was reunited with "the right guy", did whatever work was needed to get this place rented, and MOVED THE FUCK OUT! Super nice people moved in. I didn't tell them about the demons. I hoped they were atheists.

Probably because of the demons, but maybe because they were professional people who just had a baby and were sick of living in the ghetto, the young couple bought a house in Clintonville, and instead of putting the amount of work into the house that needed to happen to re-rent it, we just moved back in.

Gross.

People visit my house and they say this:

"Oh, this place isn't that bad."

Then I say this:

DO YOU NOT SEE THE DEMONS!!!???"

Long, possibly phonecalltotheguyswhodrivethepaddedvan happening, story short.. I hate this house.

BUT LO, DEAR READERS...

Do you think I would merely rant about my shitty dwelling without offering myself and hopefully at least one reader who has, I'm sure,  EXACTLY the same issues hope to carry on?

NAY!!!!

I've decided to turn lemons into margaritas, and have come up with A SUPERFANTASTIC ACTION LIST so's not to stare morosely for hours out of the window by my desk that looks out unto the neighbor's brick wall. The list centers around this premise: SELLING THIS DEMON-POSSESSED HOUSE!!! In order to see the light at the end of this dark, dark, very dark tunnel, I must (you must) take real steps to make this a reality. My SUPERFANTASTIC ACTION LIST is actually a bunch of sub-things off of this one thing...

Fix one thing a week! That's only 52 things in a year. Save the BIG THINGS for your tax return money, but come up with a bunch of small things that can be accomplished with small funds. Here's some very real examples:
  • Quikrete!!! There's probably all kinds of shit around your property that needs some cosmetic patching. This stuff is SO easy to use and the repairs you can do with it really go a long way with the first impression your home has on a buyer. Click on the link for like a bajillion helpful hints. I swear they aren't paying me to say this, I just think this stuff rules!
  • Paint your trim. Tackle a room or two a week. BAM! It's like Botox for your walls.
  • And while your your painting clothes are in arms reach, why don't you paint your front door and shutters? Use oil-based paint for exterior jobs. Holy crap, if you don't know about Houzz.com, do yourself a favor and sign up to get their newsletter. They have wonderful color palette suggestions in each edition.
  • Gather sturdy cardboard boxes and repack your shit. You no doubt have piles of it laying haphazardly around your basement from your last move. Much of it you wish you would've already thrown out. Spend a weekend ACTUALLY throwing shit out, then repack the shit you think you might need. If you have not touched the piece of shit in a year's time, you probably do not need it.
  • Buy some yard waste bags and fill one a week. If you are us then you have a condo complex for all of the ghetto's wildlife in a massive leaf and twig pile in your back yard. Get this taken care of before the neighbors call the health department. Or the wildlife department.
  • Don't go crazy! You are not building an island and redesigning your kitchen. You are not buying custom window treatments. You are not landscaping in an Oriental theme. You are planning on selling your house! Who cares if you hate the layout? Who cares if you hate your flooring? Who cares if you want a bigger tub? Spend the hating time daydreaming about your future house!
There you go! A few ideas to get your started! The demons hate when I say this, but I think this place has a bright future.

With atheists.


1 comment:

  1. Taking this time to catch up on your blog, and laugh, and my abdomen hurts every time I laugh.

    ReplyDelete