Saturday, January 12, 2013

Karmic Comeuppance

This bench from Hayneedle.com is super similar to our two hijacked ones. R.I.P. studio benches...



So if you're somebody who SEES two metal chairs that clearly belong to someone but are sitting unattended near a dark alley and you think, "I wonder how much I could get for those chairs at the scrap yard?" then lo, with that mere thought you have brought a small, karmic curse upon your household - like maybe a reappearing raccoon who week-after-week tips over your garbage cans until you finally have to rent a live-trap, make a peanut butter sandwich, lure the raccoon into the trap with said sandwich, carry the caged raccoon into the van without him scratching you and giving you rabies or hepatitis, then drive him to a faraway park to peacefully let him go. Then you have to worry if he had a family who relied on him to provide food and whether your relocation has killed innocents. Maybe your worrying has kept you up at night subsequently impairing your judgement. Maybe you decided that it was o.k. to have dinner with your boss. Maybe his wife found out. Maybe she threatened to kill you. Maybe you had to move to Canada.

If you are someone who TAKES two metal chairs from a very poor non-profit operation that provides services to adults with physical and developmental disabilities and has signs all over indicating such an operation then lo, you have karmically:
  • Donned a ski mask that you bought from the thrift store that happens to have lice in it. No, bedbugs! No, lice AND bedbugs!
  • Entered the Bank of Karma armed with several automatic weapons, and while you did not have to use your weapons, your hold-up generated enough stress to cause the bank manager to have a heart attack resulting in his untimely death and causing a sub-list of additional curses.
  • Successfully exited the bank, but with all of the hold-up excitement you now have spontaneous diarrhea, and all that's nearby is a really dirty truck stop.
  • Made it to the toilet, and by barely I mean that you now have a small stripe in your underpants. On the way out you slip on a puddle of piss and scrape your hand on a rusty nail. You can't remember the last time you've had a tetanus shot.
  • Peered into the opening of the bag of stolen money at the same time as the packet of dye inserted by the bank teller explodes.
  • Realized that you were very allergic to the dye in the money bag and as a result your face has swelled to twice its size and you now have trouble breathing.
  • Made it to the emergency room at the same time that the local news appearing on the television in the waiting room is reporting on your bank robbery with video that clearly shows a guy with your exact build committing the crime. You remember you have a ski mask in your back pocket. Someone makes a call. Authorities show up. You are arrested. You are tried in court. You are found guilty. You are transported to prison. On the way to prison, your vehicle falls off a bridge into a lake that contains a recent oil spill. Someone is smoking a cigarette. Everyone explodes.
So... Enjoy your stolen benches motherfucker. I hope it's all worth it.

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